Managing Conflict Effectively & Sanely
By Lavern Nissley
I flung open the curtains of our 17th floor window in the Monte Carlo hotel in Las Vegas and exclaimed, "Viva, Las Vegas!" It was about 8:00 am, and a clear, sunny sky on a beautiful landscape greeted my eyes on this first day of several that Ronda and I were spending together.
Ronda had invited me to accompany her to the annual corporate meeting related to her vocation as a healthcare administrator. She would attend the various scheduled sessions, leaving me time for personal relaxation. We would have evenings and other times to spend together.
So my outburst of "Viva, Las Vegas!" communicated my sense of well-being as I looked over the city, anticipating a wide open schedule of reading, walking around the city, swimming in the pool and generally just relaxing.
Now, the previous evening we had flown into McCarran International Airport around 8:00 pm only to discover that Ronda's luggage did not arrive at the baggage claim area. She contacted the proper office to have it delivered if/when located, and we headed for the Monte Carlo hotel. Around 10:30 pm we were notified that the luggage had been found and would be delivered shortly.
Weary from air travel and a three-hour time difference, I dozed off, leaving Ronda to wait for her luggage. It did not arrive until about midnight Las Vegas time (3:00 am Ohio time). According to Ronda I was snoring peacefully while she stayed up to receive her luggage.
The next morning, immediately after my "Viva, Las Vegas!" outburst, our eyes met, and what I saw in Ronda's countenance was not the same exuberance I was feeling. What I saw was a steely glare mixed with contempt and disgust.
"Yeah, you have three days of vacation, and I have to go to work", Ronda lamented. "Furthermore, you didn't seem to care about my luggage last night. It would have been nice if you had stayed up to receive it, knowing that I have to be in meetings all day."
"I thought the luggage was on its way at 10:30," I said defensively.
"Well, it didn't arrive until about midnight, and there you were, snoring away. I am so tired, and you get to rest and relax. How could you have been so insensitive to what I was going through?"
"It's not my fault that the luggage got lost, Ronda. And am I to blame that you have these meetings scheduled? It's like you resent your having to go to work while I have time to relax."
Within thirty seconds we were embroiled in a clash of perspectives and wills. Ronda believed that I should have been more sensitive to her needs the evening before. I believed that she was resenting my wide-open schedule with plenty of time to rest and relax. A good 45 minutes passed with no progress in our clash.
From Hopeless Clash to Conflict Resolution
The simple definition of conflict is "a clash of opposing ideas, interests, values, goals or perceptions". Since it is impossible to prevent relational conflict, our focus must be upon managing it effectively and sanely. In other words, when relational conflict inevitably happens, how does one respond to it so as to bring forth a constructive (rather then destructive) outcome?
People tend to respond to relational conflicts in one of five ways:
- Avoiding - Just walking away from it, tucking in one's head like a turtle
- Competing - Asserting one's own ideas and trying to win over the opponent
- Accommodating - Letting the other person win so as to maintain peace
- Compromising - Negotiating so as to win a little while also losing a little
- Collaborating - Working toward a mutually beneficial, win-win resolution
While our responses certainly vary from one situation to the next, we usually have a core preference either to "fight/attack" or "flight/escape" when faced with a relational clash. Those with the "fight/attack" preference don't back away from conflict and may find themselves competing. Attack responses usually damage relationships and make conflicts worse. Those with the "flight/escape" preference will typically respond by avoiding or accommodating. Escape responses only postpone a proper solution to the problem.
Alternatives to Attacking or Escaping
At times on that fateful Monday morning in Las Vegas, I really felt like attacking - likely because I felt under attack. At other times I just wanted to escape from it all. In fact, on one occasion I said something like, "Ronda, I feel like just getting on the plane and flying back home since you just resent me being here."
But we did come to resolution and reconciliation a bit later that morning. The dissonance between us dissolved. Our hearts were once again open for business, the business of loving each other.
But it didn't just magically happen. We had to work at it and follow some time-tested principles that we have found to lead us away from attacking or escaping. They are not 100% guarantees of resolution and reconciliation, and we don't always score an "A" in implementing them, yet they govern the effective and sane management of conflict.
1. Tenaciously commit to talking through the conflict-at some time.
Sometimes now is not the time, but it must be done in order for understanding and empathy to seep through our sin-hardened skulls. Avoid just walking out, but schedule a time to discuss the conflict within 24 hours.
2. Pray for wisdom and success.
People are too complex for us to navigate an emotionally laden conflict in our own strength and knowledge. The Holy Spirit will help us understand that person who at the time seems so deluded and defensive. A one-word prayer of "Help!" can go a long way, for it acknowledges that we don't have all the answers.
3. Go for win-win resolution.
A conflict is not over-like a tennis match or checkers game-when one person has won and the other person has lost. A conflict is well on the way to being resolved when both people feel like they have "won". This requires the mindset of asking, "What does he or she need that God is calling me to give?"
4. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
This principle from Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is a master skill of life and extremely effective in defusing conflicts. It is also grounded in the Philippians 2:4 exhortation: "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
5. Apologize sincerely for offending.
We don't even have to agree with the offended person in order to apologize. We can simply express our sorrow about the offense and/or hurt happening. It is not, "If I have offended you?" That is often a given. It is, "Since I have offended you, I am so sorry and want our relationship to be restored."
Airline luggage will be lost. Spouses will snore. We will get grouchy with not enough sleep. Relational conflicts will happen. They are inevitable. But polarization, alienation and strife are not inevitable. We can actually choose to see constructive and positive outcomes to conflict. And when we do, it is like throwing open the curtains to a beautiful new day-minus the outburst of "Viva, Las Vegas!", of course.
Lavern Nissley lives in Northridge, Ohio with his wife, Ronda. He has three children and is the associate pastor of Vineyard Church of Northridge, Springfield, Ohio.
Originally published in the February 2004 issue of the Brotherhood Beacon. Used by permission.